little lost robot

I have so many things to blog about, but not just yet. Partly because some of the awesome stuff is top secret (how’s that for a sweeps tease?) and will be revealed later this week. Anyway, here’s some of the fabulous things I’ve been engrossed in for the past few days:

1. Sweeps promos: Now that I’m part-time in the promotions department, I’ve been churning out promos for the May war effort. So far I’ve produced: “Permanent Makeup” ; “Sex and the Bible”; and “Could Your Job Be Killing You?”

2. Special reports: The only sweeps segment I’ve been assigned this ratings book is called, “Permanent Makeup” [video link] and it’s all about women who are getting makeup tattooed onto their eyes and face, rather than apply it all day the normal way.

3. Here’s where I stand on this week’s pop culture: Still blown away by Lost. Missed this week’s BSG. Forgot to see Iron Man. Played a ton of GTA4 (mostly getting run over by Hasser online). Ashamed I’m obsessed with the polygamist ranch story (also looking forward to the next season of Big Love).

I’ve been busy finding things to keep my mind distracted from waiting impatiently for Grand Theft Auto IV’s release on Tuesday. Like what? Well, I’ve been going onto Wikipedia to look-up which historical figures are going to be beheaded on upcoming episodes of The Tudors.

It seems that my pal Hasser has also been doing things to keep himself occupied. Things such as: sending me random packages from his home base in San Francisco. Upon opening the mysterious box, I discovered (and photographed) the following contents:

1. Pootie Tang DVD - which he borrowed from me in 2002 and apparently never returned.
2. A framed photograph of the two of us taken moments before our historic cross-county road trip in 2005.
3. DVD ROM entitled, “Awesome Shit 2008″

Naturally, I’m intrigued by what’s on this disc, and I plan on popping it into my laptop in just a few minutes. I thought it wise to do this blog post first, in case Hasser jokingly sent me the AWSUM_$HIT_08 virus, effectively nuking my HP Pavillion. Until I post an update of the disc’s contents, feel free to use the comments forum below to speculate on what he could’ve sent me. [Also, I just sorta used a line from Dune as the title for this post. I’m not sure if it’s just lazy or insanely geeky. Both, I imagine.]

UPDATE: Awesome Shit 2008 contains: Several music collections, including the complete Hall and Oats discography; Several cracked software suites, and the programs to properly open and install them.

I’ve been enjoying a nice week off from blogging, and a few days off work. I didn’t really get out much. What’s new? Someone lit a car on fire in a driveway bordering the back of our apartments. That was fun. I mostly hung out by the security gate, letting emergency personnel into the complex, but I was still able to see the car explode.

While driving home the other night, I saw a dumbass driving down the road with two “20″ LCD screens installed in front of the passenger seats of his car. He also had a smaller screen mounted on the dashboard. It was - seriously - the most ridiculous, distracting thing ever.

I wasn’t able to get a really clear shot, but in this photo you can kinda see what I’m talking about. You can also see the driver that was tailgating him for about a mile. She was really into the show he was watching as he cruised about aimlessly, hoping to impress folks.

This pic may look like the million other weirdly-cropped photos of my face, but there’s one slight difference. I now have some mighty honcho sideburns, thus making me completely unrecognizable.

I only show one side because I’m still in the “making them the same length” stage.

I once read this comic book about Dracula running around in our modern age, and how one evening he decided to pop into the White House to have a word with the President. If you’ll remember: old-school vampires can turn into fog or various beasts at will. Anyway, he met with the President, eventually got bored, and then mesmerized him, making him a lapdog for his Satanic endeavors.

This story stuck with me, and on occasion I imagine myself having vast Dracula-ish or Gandalf-like powers and privately popping in on various celebrities and world leaders. My meeting with the President would undoubtedly start with the phrase, “Dude, what the fuck? Seriously.” During this visit, we’d chat - or I’d chat, as the other sat frozen in place by my mystical powers, forced to listen - and then I’d teleport out before his next appointment (or in the case of the current administration: tee time). As I drove home from work today I daydreamed about the calamitous plight of Britney Spears (as I often do), and how I would like to teleport into her life one evening with the intent of performing some sort of supernatural intervention. That would involve me taking Britney on a “Ghost of Christmas Future” tour of her life, or perhaps just bonking her over the head with my warlock staff.

Of course in today’s society, people with wizard powers are limited to table-top dice games and the convention floor of the San Diego ComiCon. So who is left to help straighten Britney out, if not those adept in transfiguration? Perhaps the kind folks from the Church of Scientology should make a run at her. They’ve got the money and resources, and always seem keen on enlisting new celebrity clients. Instead of wasting time of trying to recruit stars like Will Smith - who clearly already have their shit together - they should be trying to snatch-up a troubled starlet and help turn her life around. I have no idea what goes into that process, but I imagine it involves someone getting out their checkbook. It’d be a major score for them if it worked out. Maybe they’ve already thought of this and decided against it, realizing that it was way too insensitive or near impossible. Or perhaps they don’t really have the resources, seeing that much of it goes into Tom Cruise videos and super-deluxe cruise ships. Either way, they’re probably not as evil as I give them credit for - something I definitely can’t say about that Dracula.

Pretty good for me, but not so great for the blog, right? I’ve been busily catching up on various projects, and playing quite a bit of Oblivion on the Xbox. Work is just dandy. I haven’t been doing my Click segments much, but the reason’s not quite as sinister as you might’ve read about on Newsblues. Other than that, not much to report today. Right now I’m making a weird ginger-ale glazed ham for Easter. I don’t actually celebrate Easter, but I do celebrate ham.

I spent a while this afternoon going through a batch of old photos, and scanning them onto the hard drive of my laptop. I’m doing a little photo project with them, but I guess it’s also cool to have digital backups of these decades old photos. Here’s one of my brother and I half-posing for an Olan Mills portrait:

I think this one was one of the outtake proofs that they give you to look through before placing your order. My mother used a similar tactic with my senior portraits, giving out some of the painfully bad proofs to random relatives instead of ordering extra wallet sized cards of the chosen ones. Anyway, I really like this photo and I’m thinking of giving the sideburns and moptop haircut a chance again (as you might remember: I still have the blue suit).

In a galaxy not so far, far away (Hollywood) the popular trend right now seems to be the unnecessary remaking of classic films and television programs, recasting them with an energetic young ensemble cast. Although, I should point out they’re no longer called remakes - they have catchy buzzwords like “jumpstart” or “reboot” to describe them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually looking forward to seeing the JJ Abram’s Star Trek reinvigoration and the much-rumored John Singleton A-Team film. However, all the horror movie remakes, I can do without.

Here’s a look the cast of my imaginary Star Wars reboot that I’ve been invited to pretend-direct:

Han Solo (played by Josh Holloway).
Let’s just get it out of the way and say that he’s pretty much already playing Han Solo on Lost. Maybe I just want to see Sawyer in space. I have a feeling he’s going to be a mega-star and it’s only a matter of time until you see him in at least six movies a year. He’ll be the new Clive Owen.

Princess Leia (played by Anne Hathaway).
I really had to fight the studio execs on this one, as they wanted Jessica Alba for the part. Luckily she was busy shooting Fantastic Four: Another CGI Villain and wouldn’t be available for months. Also, I had went into the project looking at Mandy Moore for the role, but after taking a lunch with Anne (mineral water and vitamins) I knew she was who I wanted as my space diva.

Luke Skywalker (played by Shia LaBeouf)
This one I had nothing to do with, the studio execs forced my hand in casting Lebeouf. I think it’s a good casting choice though, Shia’s got the acting chops and he’ll make a believable farm boy turned intergalactic hero. We originally tested Michael Cera and Paul Walker for the role, but neither of them really worked out.

Obi Wan Kenobi (Played by Hugo Weaving)
When I think of weird mystical guys, Albus Dumbledore and Hugo Weaving come to mind. Only one of them is a real person, so Hugo landed the part. I think he’ll be a pretty kick-ass Obi Wan, and I’ve also secretly cast him as Emperor Palpatine in my imaginary sequel. You have to pretend-wait until 2013 to see how that pans out.

Lando Calrissian (played by Blair Underwood)
I know Lando isn’t even in the original Star Wars movie that I’m remaking, but since this is a “reboot” I’m gonna just add him to the trilogy early (Spoiler: He shoots Greedo). I chose Underwood because I’ve seen him in like ninety television shows this year, he’s a great actor, and his random search engine imagine actually looked sorta Lando-ish.

That’s as far as I got with the casting decisions before I daydreamed that Executive Producer, George Lucas stepped in and decided to make the rest of the cast entirely out of CGI - which is probably a good thing since I thought it’d be funny to have Rick Moranis show up as Shia LaBeouf’s Darth Father. Also, I’m close to inking an imaginary-deal with Ricky Gervais to voice C3PO for the trilogy. The weird thing about this completely pointless exercise is how I was able to cast a movie that looks borderline terrible, and yet somewhat entertaining at the same time.

I nearly spilled my morning coffee all over myself on my way to work on Friday, reaching for my digital camera. The reason for that is because I finally ran across “the scary doll guy” - who has become a minor legend in our morning newsroom meetings.

He’s a street preacher that roams the greater Greenville area with a megaphone, a giant board strapped to his back covered in stuff about Revelations, and a ventriloquist dummy secured to his arm. From the moment I heard Waller talk about him I knew it was only a matter of time until I saw the guy, and he didn’t disappoint. He kinda stands there at the corner shouting stuff, and as soon as the light turns red and people are trapped at the intersection, he walks up to your car window and has the uber-creepy dummy shouts at you. I was across the street on this particular morning so I didn’t get the full show, but it was kinda fun watching all the drivers and passengers sorta freak out as he made his way to each car window.